Russell Crowe separates from his wife Danielle Spencer

Another one bites the dust.

I know these are musical lyrics that have nothing to do with separation, family law or marriage break up, but they are very apt I think.

I wonder how Russell broke the news to his ex (assuming the newspaper report is correct)? Did he sent an sms or did Danielle read about it in the Sydney Morning Herald or some other newspaper before confronting Russell about it?

Perhaps that is how they both found out it was all over, reading a tabloid in different countries, at different times.

If so, was it a relieve to them? It could be. I know plenty of people agonise over how to tell their spouse that it is all over. There have been occasions where I have done it for them, in my great role as divorce lawyer, bearer of all bad news. I have been asked to write a letter, which goes something like this (all names are fictional and bear no resemblance to anyone)

Allright and Kindcare Solicitors

Date: 5 August 2012

Cynthia Reckless

6 Mumph Street

Mumphis

Dear Madam

RE: Property Settlement and Divorce

We confirm we act on behalf Argus Dickhead who has come to see us in relation to ensuring you know the relationship is over. Apparently you have shown some difficulty in accepting the news, to the point where you downright refuse to leave our client in peace, following him into the bedroom and forcing yourself upon him. Whilst we are on this topic we are instructed to request that all future sexual advances stop. Our client is adamant it is over.

To summarise our client’s position we are instructed as follows:

The two of you lived together for about two years, before getting married on 5 August 2002. There are no children of the relationship but significant assets, which will need to be taken into consideration for property settlement.

Please ensure you move out of the former matrimonial home no later than seven days from receipt of this letter, failing which our client will have you removed from the property by an eviction notice.

We suggest you obtain some legal advice and have your lawyer contact our office as soon as possible so we may work out an amicable solution to property distribution.

Yours faithfully

David Verbose Junior

I don’t know why it is that a spouse (or ex spouses) would get upset by such a letter, it is friendly enough in tone. What does it matter that it arrived on their tenth wedding anniversary and was perhaps a little dismissive of the feelings of the wife?

If Danielle had not idea the relationship was over, seeing Russell is in the US and she is in Australia, reading about it in the paper was probably a blessing in disguise. What better way to let your ex know it is all over then by leaking the story to a major newspaper (trouble for us ordinary folk is not many newspapers would be interested). Saves you the money of paying a lawyer to do it.

Of course we cannot assume it was Russell who ended it. It might have been Danielle. Maybe Danielle sent him an sms, or telephoned him?

As Melvin Goodheart, aka Fozzy, my character in the novel Just and Equitable, would say to Russell, “maate better that way then the way I found out, mate!!!” There would be a wink of the eye and a nudge in the ribs, and I am here to tell you Fozzy is right, as he finds out in the most nasty of ways that his marriage is on the rocks. Something you would not wish upon your worst enemy.

Maybe it was a civil discussion between Russell and Danielle over dinner one night.

Russell: “I say dear that steak is a bit too well done for my liking.”

Danielle: “What do you mean? That is how I have always cooked your steak. You like your steak well done.”

Russell with pronounced English accent assuming a character out of an English novel: “Well no my dear. You see that is exactly why we are not compatible.”

Danielle taking a sip of wine replies: “What do you mean we are not compatible? Have you been reading the tabloids again? I thought we agreed we would not.
Russell: “My dear there is not easy way to this. I do not like my steak over cooked. I like my steak medium rare. There are lots of things I do not like. It is over.”

Danielle: “Hand me the sauce would you darling?”

Russell: “Have you been listening to anything I have said?”

Danielle: “No darling but then that is why we are still married. And you need to work on that English accent, it’s not quite there. What exactly were you rehearsing for by the way?”

Or something like that.

I have to pause and say I do not know either Russell Crowe or his wife and am only using them as an example as they seem to be the latest celebrity couple to bite the dust. If it had been someone else I could have used them.

I see people who separate on a daily basis. It is my other job, a divorce lawyer as some people call them.

And I hear about hundreds of different ways that relationships end. None of the ones that I hear about are done in a civil amicable manner. The majority, are messy and often involve accidental discoveries of extra martial affairs or some other misdemeanour like gambling or drinking.

All these fantastic electronic media like facebook, twitter, email, sms and mobile telephones lead to a great many discoveries that were not available even ten years ago.

A mobile telephone left unattended is picked up by the wife/husband. An innocent scroll through the phone reveals text messages like:

‘hello u sexy thing – in hot tub wish u were her – imagine if your wife knew lol – can’t wait to see you strip off…..’

or

‘running late – room booked under Manuel Gonzales – could not think of other name – can you bring cash this time? Xxxooo wait for me naked will u?’

or

‘sex last night was great – was there trouble when u got home? How about lunch? I’m hungry for more xxooJ

and so on.

Unfortunately it is a most disappointing way to find out your relationship has come to an end, but then I imagine there is no happy or pleasant way to discover a relationship has come to an end. Even in the most amicable of circumstances there would be sadness, with a realisation that a change is coming.

If you are thinking of leaving or ending your relationship we suggest you do not try these at home:

1.     Putting it on facebook.

2.     Making a utube recording.

3.     Using twitter, which would be great as it does not require many characters to say it is over.

4.     Sending an email and copying in family and friends.

5.     Front page advertisement in daily newspaper.

I have no real suggestions to add that might work. The only advice I can give is try and keep your sense of humour, that is what keeps my client’s going even in the toughest of times.

But if you want to read stories about people surviving relationship break downs I encourage you to read Briefs a collection of short stories.

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